I try not to question things but inevitably I do. Like why am I here? What is my purpose? Will I die alone? What’s the point? Why should I shower? And although by the end of this I’ll probably sound suicidal, I’m not. I just have to find answers to my questions.
I’m sure that you all ask yourself those same questions from time to time. To be honest, being alive is just as scary as facing death. I mean, we live our entire lives doing what everyone says we have to do. We go to school, get a job, have a family and then we die. If you’re lucky enough to enjoy life along the way then great but what about people like me who can’t help but question it all? Is the anxiety of everyday life even worth that measly vacation you work all year for? It sounds wonderful on paper but at the end of the day, you’re slaving and saving for a job that allows you a week at the beach that God created for us. Why isn’t that free? Why is experiencing the world a vacation instead of it being our backyard like intended? Why is everything about money and bills and heartbreak? Why do we work so hard to die?
I just don’t really know my purpose yet I guess and that terrifies me. I feel like I’m going through the motions to please others but if I’m going to die anyway, why should I even care? I just don’t get the point of being alive if I’m not even living. It makes no sense to work so hard, to deal with bullshit and heartbreak, to be lonely and hard-pressed and then just die. Like.. you just die. And then you’re worm food and a flower bed. That is if you have someone to plant something on top of you. But what if you don’t have someone to water your soil with miracle grow and their tears? What if you work so hard that you die alone?
Christopher McCandless had the right idea even though he ate that poisonous junk and killed himself. At least he didn’t do what everyone expected of him. At least he went out and tried to find the answers to his questions. I wish we could all cut up any evidence that we “belong” to this world and go against the norm. I want to go experience what God created for me, not mankind. Otherwise I’m going to end up at a mediocre job working nine to five and occasionally buying the person’s food behind me at the drive-thru to make myself feel like I’m making a difference in the world. The way I see it is, if I’m not trying to answer my questions and figure out why I’m here, I’m already dead.