Winter is What I Want

I’m ready for snow to fall. I’m ready for sheets of white dust to cover everything in my path. I want to scrape ice off my windshield and feel the warmth of hot chocolate roll down my throat. I want to fall backwards into the snow and make angels like a child. I want the frost to kill everything beautiful summer created so that my reality looks the way it makes me feel. I want grey skies and flannel. I want to celebrate Jesus but I don’t want Christmas. I want the holidays to come and go because I know I’ll be spending them without someone I love. I just want the birds to stop chirping and the grass to stop growing. I want the sun to hide with me and for the clouds to cry out cold, white tears. I want the leaves to fall and for everything to be bare, hollow and lifeless. Because I don’t feel happy and I don’t feel progressive and I don’t feel like sunshine. I feel like a bad wreck on a patch of ice in the dead of winter and I’m tired of acting like I’m gonna walk out of it okay.

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Life is never going to go the way we plan for it to go. But there are always things that will stay consistent. The sun will rise and the sun will set and with no say so from us, life will go on. The idea of that is sometimes overwhelming but lately I find it comforting.

Sometimes I shower myself with self-pity and I cry my makeup off while listening to Coldplay songs (insert judgement here). It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself when things are bad but again, that’s life.

It’s ridiculous to think that we can plan our lives without detours. With new roads come traffic cones and although 45 mph sucks, it’s a part of something bigger. It’s important, at least for me, to remember that not everything is going to work out perfectly. Not everyone is going to be kind to me. People I love are going to die and leave me. But no matter how much I try to plan things or change things, I understand that my life is not solely
controlled by me.

Do I try to pave my own path? Of course. But curves and speed bumps are additives to keep me focused and cautious. Without gravel, we wouldn’t appreciate pavement. But even gravel sounds good under your tires.

So when things get tough, remember that there is good in everything. Remember that you have to go through the rough times to appreciate the good times. Remember that God’s plan is way cooler than anything we had in mind. And even when you’re forced to take a detour off the interstate into a farm town with one red light, just slow down and accept it’s part of a plan that’s bigger than yours.

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Into the Wild

I try not to question things but inevitably I do.  Like why am I here? What is my purpose? Will I die alone? What’s the point? Why should I shower?  And although by the end of this I’ll probably sound suicidal, I’m not. I just have to find answers to my questions.

I’m sure that you all ask yourself those same questions from time to time. To be honest, being alive is just as scary as facing death. I mean, we live our entire lives doing what everyone says we have to do. We go to school, get a job, have a family and then we die. If you’re lucky enough to enjoy life along the way then great but what about people like me who can’t help but question it all? Is the anxiety of everyday life even worth that measly vacation you work all year for?  It sounds wonderful on paper but at the end of the day, you’re slaving and saving for a job that allows you a week at the beach that God created for us. Why isn’t that free? Why is experiencing the world a vacation instead of it being our backyard like intended? Why is everything about money and bills and heartbreak? Why do we work so hard to die? 

I just don’t really know my purpose yet I guess and that terrifies me. I feel like I’m going through the motions to please others but if I’m going to die anyway, why should I even care? I just don’t get the point of being alive if I’m not even living. It makes no sense to work so hard, to deal with bullshit and heartbreak, to be lonely and hard-pressed and then just die. Like.. you just die. And then you’re worm food and a flower bed. That is if you have someone to plant something on top of you. But what if you don’t have someone to water your soil with miracle grow and their tears? What if you work so hard that you die alone?

Christopher McCandless had the right idea even though he ate that poisonous junk and killed himself. At least he didn’t do what everyone expected of him. At least he went out and tried to find the answers to his questions. I wish we could all cut up any evidence that we “belong” to this world and go against the norm. I want to go experience what God created for me, not mankind. Otherwise I’m going to end up at a mediocre job working nine to five and occasionally buying the person’s food behind me at the drive-thru to make myself feel like I’m making a difference in the world. The way I see it is, if I’m not trying to answer my questions and figure out why I’m here, I’m already dead.

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When I’m up this late I replay the entire day in my head. Somehow the day turns into the past week and the past week turns into last year and I’m left upset. I get upset for many reasons really. Regret, nostalgia, heartbreak, deaths- you know all of that serious stuff I can’t change. The stuff that’s lost in the labyrinth that is my mind.

I think too much. And there’s always so much on my mind that it jumbles together and really brings me down. And for some reason everyone expects me to be happy. I am appreciative. I’m blessed. I just get so sick of feeling like my problems aren’t real problems just because people are starving and our country is in debt and dogs are being abused. I get it. I have working limbs and food and my dog probably eats better than some people but that doesn’t mean I’m okay or happy. It also doesn’t mean I don’t hurt for those people who are less fortunate than me. But I can’t control my mind or how much I think.. I can’t change who I am. I just think it’s sad that we can’t express how we feel without someone lashing back at us with a “bigger” problem. We all have problems and no one’s is bigger than the next in our own minds. I don’t need anyone to make me feel like shit. I already do.

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Sticks and Stones

We use words every day. We use them to communicate with one another, to comfort one another and more often than not, to hurt one another. Words aren’t going anywhere, though. Granted the right to bear arms is in the Constitution and that’s being threatened, I don’t think that freedom of speech will ever be endangered.

That’s just it. We do have freedom of speech. We can say whatever we want (under most circumstances) and people just have to deal with it. Words hurt so much and I don’t think that some people will ever understand that. I hold on to words more than I probably should. I listen to them, I believe them and I remember them. I don’t know what I wore yesterday but I can remember something that was said in 2008. Sticks and stones can break my bones all day and it won’t faze me but words paralyze me. I know that’s not how the saying goes but that’s how I feel. I seriously broke a bone once and didn’t even know it but someone pointed out my flaws last night and I’ve been an emotional wreck for the past 24 hours. Honestly, I think a punch to the face would have hurt a lot less. Sometimes a single sentence can leave a wound just as deep as a physical mutilation.

Maybe we should take a moment to consider that just because you have the right to do something doesn’t mean you should. And even though I’m just as guilty, we really shouldn’t say anything at all if we don’t have something nice to say. Words can be weapons, too.

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Procrastinating was a HUGE mistake.

Can you remember your first mistake? I can. I was four years old at a tiny, hole in the wall market with my mom. I grabbed a piece of gum from the candy isle, unwrapped it and started to blow a bubble. Mom made eye contact with me and immediately I knew that I was doing something wrong. She made me spit out my stolen, slobbery gum into my palm and present it to the cashier like the thieving toddler I was. I don’t remember much from my single digit aged years but I do remember that.

We are all designed differently and mistake making seems to be a flaw that everyone’s system was programmed with. It’s hard to understand our imperfections, especially when we can’t see them or suffer from denial or honestly just don’t know which decision to make. Some mistakes are big and some are really small but in this case, size doesn’t matter. I just think it really sucks that mistakes can stay with you forever and potentially ruin or create your happiness short term and long term. Why can we look but never see? Why can we hear but never listen? Why do we know what’s right but consciously do what’s wrong?

For instance, I’ve had an entire semester to get my life together academically. Yet, there is one week left until finals and I’m having to take a personal day just to get everything accomplished so I won’t fail. I’m a mess. My room looks and smells like poverty. I haven’t showered and the only thing I’ve consumed in the past 12 hours is coffee and the mouthwash I accidentally swallowed. Which according to the label, I could be dying but I don’t have time for that- I don’t have time for anything!

The point is, big or small, good or bad, mistakes sometimes define who we are. Even if we don’t stay that same person forever, right now, I’m an unorganized, terrible mess of a student. And I can only blame myself because I made the mistake of procrastinating. Even though I’m an adult and in college, I kind of just wish my mom was here to smack my hand and make me do the right and important things.  Oh, and clean my room and bathe me.

For everyone who is struggling with difficult times, a mistake, a loss, a broken heart or even finals week, just know that we are all in this together. Together in the same, sinking boat. I’m praying for you guys and no matter what, we all make mistakes and it’s important that we learn from them. That applies to every aspect of life. So, with that being said, I’m never procrastinating this bad ever again. See, I’m learning. That’s what mistakes and bad crap is for anyway, right?

good luck! :)

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I Have No Idea What I’m Doing

I’m stuck between a rock and hard place. The more I sit between the two, I realize that one of those sides has to win. Otherwise, I’m still stuck. The saying is so cliche but I think the way it feels is unique to everyone. I for instance am so confused about my life that I am considering having a melt down for a while. Dropping out of college, laying in my bed and eating leftovers sounds a lot easier than applying to graduate school and figuring out my future. Unfortunately, you have to have money to be insane. Poor people like myself can’t afford to not function. Maybe I should have played “Operation” more and read the dictionary less as a child. Then, I could be going to medical school instead of freaking out about how I’m going to turn my words into money. The point is, I can lay on my parents couch forever or I can go to school for what seems like forever. Either way, neither of them sound too satisfying to me right now. Naturally, I’m not a planner. I don’t care what happens tomorrow and I for sure never think about my future. I guess everyone asking me what I’m doing after graduation has really got me stressed. Thank you, Thanksgiving for the annoying questions from family members and randoms. The truth is, I have no idea and I guess I’m a little ashamed and little petrified. I’m 22 and about to be finished with undergrad and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. That’s scary.

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